Ramblings: What does it mean to finish well?

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith... (I Timothy 4:7)

Every year in June, the feelings of inadequacy resurface. Right now I'm tired, and quite frankly, lazy. I have given everything I have to give. And I'm never satisfied with what I've done throughout the year.

I didn't get to know my students' personalities well enough. I prioritized mutual respect, but not bonding and making personal connections. Those are not the same things. I was too serious and wasn't silly and fun enough. I was too snappy, too quick to pass judgment and get angry. I didn't finish the world history unit. I didn't do that money project. We didn't do reading logs, for the love of Pete, how did I neglect to have my kids write down the books they read in class?!

I think it's the end of the world. I am a failure! I should have my teaching license revoked.

I think it's not the end of the world. The year was a success! I will return in August refreshed and ready to make up for my shortcomings this year.

I think I might have schizophrenia. And I'm not the only one.

John Spencer (from the blog Musings of a Not-So-Master Teacher) has a few recent posts on this topic, including the beautifully introspective Self-Induced Teacher Guilt. But it's his post called End Well that really made me think about how I feel as the year comes to a close:

Yet, as I pack up the boxes in my classroom and prepare myself for another three weeks, I have a lingering sense of satisfaction mixed with guilt. I'm torn between enjoyment and feeling that I haven't done enough and that I don't know students well enough and that I took too many short cuts and that no one should ever engage in such a long run-on sentence when an English teacher might be reading this long-winded blog post. What does it mean to end well?

Feelings of guilt and apprehension abound. So what to do with them? My first impression was that we should examine them the way we should examine all our other emotions: are they from the Lord, or from the enemy? Is the sadness stemming from conviction or condemnation?

But for me, I think the answer is BOTH.

I ignored the Holy Spirit's promptings many, many times, and took the easy way out, putting my own needs first. That's conviction. I will always have to fight the flesh and consciously work toward becoming others-centered: it's the process of sanctification. The good news is, I'm aware of how God's trying to change me. The even better news is, He's patient.

But there's also some condemnation. Really, Angela, you feel like a failure because you didn't teach the kids EVERY skill and concept you wanted to? Do you truly believe that's the measure of your success?

Hmm. I suppose not. But what IS the measure? Maybe, Did I do my best every day?

I hope not, because then I still failed. I DIDN'T give 100% every single day.

That CAN'T be the measure of finishing well, because in my heart, I know I didn't fail. I know that my life is a work in progress, and there is no failure as long as I'm still striving to become more Christ-like and perform my job in a way that brings God glory.

So maybe the real meaning of finishing well is, Did I ask God to help me do my best everyday? Did I look to Him for strength and wisdom? Did I grow closer to Him this year? Did I actively seek out ways to become less self-centered and more giving to my colleagues and students and families?

Yes, yes I did. Sooo...why doesn't that make me feel successful? Why don't I have that feeling of satisfaction from a job well done?

Probably because I could have done a better job. Quite frankly, we ALL could have.

Perhaps you can see how exhausting it's been to live with my brain recently.

After fruitlessly mulling over the question for awhile, I finally gave it over to the Lord and let Him show me the answer. And He did, Sunday morning in church. We were singing about the depth of God's love toward us, and I realized that from God's perspective, our success as teachers is all about our love walk. It is not about our test scores, and it's not even about what our students learn academically. From an eternal perspective, teaching my kids to identify a numerator and denominator is frankly irrelevant.

For me, finishing the year well is about this:

Did I disciple my students?
Did I show them love, and teach them how to be loving?
Did my passion for life shine through, and did I encourage students to follow their God-given passions?
Did I set my students on the paths they should go and instill in them the desire to grow and become more than who they currently are?
Did I model AND teach them perseverance, patience, kindness, and self-control?
Was my focus on teaching with intention--not perfectly at every moment, but as a whole, from the first day to the very last--did I keep sight of the ultimate prize, which is eternal?

I've noticed that when my focus is on the eternal purpose, the academic goals fall naturally into place. This is really radical stuff, I know. But...what if we weren't put in the classroom to teach the phases of the moon? What if we were put there to instill in students a wonder for creation, a curiosity to learn more about the world around them, a desire to be the most intelligent persons they can be and make positive contributions to society? Think about that. When the teacher focuses on instilling those qualities during a lesson, how can children NOT learn the phases of the moon?

The standards created by the department of education are laughable in comparison. And because the board of ed doesn't set the real goals, it doesn't measure the real goals, and it doesn't determine our real value as teachers.

The student achievement levels we see on paper can never be the true measure of finishing well, not when an on-grade-level student assaults a classmate in the hallway while a struggling reader develops and recognizes the importance of self-discipline. And how do any of those behaviors, attitudes, and skill levels tie into God's ultimate plan of salvation? How little does any of this matter when both souls are lost?

Clearly the race set before us is difficult to run, and we run it imperfectly. But it's not up to us as teachers to determine our measure of success. We plant some seeds, we water others, and the increase comes from the Lord.

Who, after all, is Apollos? And who is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building. (I Corinthians 3:5-9)

So it's not about ME at all, it's not about how well I did MY job. God has a greater plan, of which I am only a small part. My performance is not quantifiable by anyone in this physical plane. How easily I lose sight of that when I'm made to feel that my job, my salary, and my worth is based on test scores.

Finishing well. Did I? I realize now it's far too complex for me to judge, and I shouldn't trouble myself with principles so far beyond my realm of understanding. I'm going to try not to judge myself, and instead let God, whose ways are higher than my ways, determine how well I've accomplished His tasks. The burden is lifted off of me and carried by Jesus, who tells us, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). What freedom we have in Christ. I don't have to measure my own success or worth, or figure out where I stand with Him. He is my identity and my source. I can...

Be confident of this, that He who has begun a good work in [me], will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phillipians 1:6)

Wow, you're still here with me, reading to the end. Thanks. I hope my rambling thoughts make sense. And I hope they give you a bit of peace as your school year comes to a finish.

The quickness

"Sure, I still make mistakes. I'm still tempted, and make bad choices. But the difference now that I've rededicated my life to Christ is that I'm quicker to run back to him. It doesn't take me so long to recognize the wrongs, and I don't hold onto them with such stubbornness."

I heard a Christian make this comment last night, and I thought she did a great job addressing the problem of sin in the life of a believer. We will never achieve perfection, but as we grow closer to God and become more sanctified, we should find ourselves returning to the right path more quickly than we used to.

That also made me think about my students. Many times I get frustrated that they're still engaging in the same misbehaviors since August (or worse, since kindergarten). I wonder how they can continue to make such bad choices, forgetting that *I* do the same thing.

Maybe instead of focusing so much on the frequency of misbehavior, I should be focusing on how long it takes the children to return to the right behavior. Little Johnny might lose his temper three times a week (which is not much of an improvement from five times a week), but if he's able to regain control after ten minutes instead of pouting all day, that's a changed heart. He might still hurt his classmates, but if he willingly apologizes afterward, that's a changed heart. He may need a million reminders to follow directions, but if he self-corrects now without talking back, that's a changed heart. Change is a process, and each step along the way should be honored and appreciated.

It's easy to become discouraged when our attempts to instill values and self-discipline just don't seem to sink in with certain students. However, more improvement will be realized when we emphasize not only how to make right choices, but how to make things right AFTER students have done wrong. We must foster attitudes of repentance and explicitly teach reparation skills.

Lord, quicken my heart to Your chastening in my own life. Open my eyes so I can bear witness to my students' improvements. Give me the patience and grace needed to nurture in them a quick return to right attitudes. Help me teach them to resolve conflicts and rectify problems in a way that glorifies You. Show us all how to return to the right path with a quickness.

Meditating on the Fruit of the Spirit

Part of my New Years resolution was to ask for (and receive in prayer) the fruit of the Spirit each morning. I've been very faithful with this, at least on workdays, and I think it's done a great deal to set the tone for my day. Instead of waking up and running through a mental list of everything I need to do, I recite Galations 5:22-23 and visualize myself embodying each of the nine attributes:

Feeling love toward my students because God loves them
Experiencing joy as I go through my daily tasks
Being at peace with my work situation even with all its faults
Demonstrating patience when my students are, ahem, a bit challenging
Showing kindness toward students even when they don't deserve it
Being an example of goodness in a sea of nasty and negative attitudes
Showing faithfulness toward my commitment to the little ones in my care
Choosing gentleness which turns away wrath (always a good thing)
Demonstrating self-control when I feel like being lazy

Meditating on this scripture probably takes around 30 seconds (which is about all I can spare, since I'm not an early-morning person and get up as late as possible). Maybe that's why I've been able to stick with it! The routine puts me in a good mood and gives me confidence that yes, I CAN handle whatever comes my way during the school day.

Working on a real post, but this had to be said FIRST...

Curtis and I have officially set the date! We'll become husband and wife on June 27th in a ceremony at a quaint, historic church in South Beach. A small reception will follow in the lovely upstairs room of a nearby Cuban restaurant. We're also planning a ceremony up north in the fall for his extended family and others who can't make the trip to Florida. I can't believe I'll be Mrs. Watson in just over two months! We don't know what's going to happen after that--Curtis is still based in NYC and I'm in Fort Lauderdale--but we know God has a plan.

Happy Resurrection Day!

Thought this made a nice connection between a secular tradition and the real meaning of Easter:


I'm celebrating with a powerful morning at church, a relaxing afternoon with loved ones, and an evening of copious amounts of chocolate consumption. How about you--what does your family do to honor the day that Jesus rose again?

Overheard

I ate lunch with my fiancee Curtis this past weekend at a cafe in Manhattan. The food there is unbelievable and really cheap, but it's one of those places where the tables are scrunched so close together that you're practically touching the people sitting next to you. In our case, the neighbors were two obviously close female friends in their early twenties chatting loudly.

Our food had just arrived when I heard one of them say, "Hey! Did I tell you that I visited my mom's church this weekend?" The friend dropped her fork. "NO! Your mom goes to CHURCH?!"

My ears perked up, because I'm always interested in hearing other people's experiences with God and religion. I glanced over at Curtis to see if he overheard, but he was totally focused on the chicken cutlet. I considered getting his attention, but then realized that I had the perfect opportunity to eavesdrop without the distraction of my own conversation. I picked up a salt shaker and tried to look really engaged in seasoning my steamed vegetables as the girls continued.

"Yeah, my mom goes to church! She's like a born-again Christian! Totally!"
"WHAT! I never would have thought!"
"Yep, she goes to this giant church. I went when I visited her. It was so crazy, listen to this..."
"Oh my g-d, I can't believe YOUR mom goes to church. Lightning didn't strike when she walked in?"
"Hah, yeah, I know, right? So we go, and it's like huge."
"One of those mega-churches?"
"Yeah, a mega-church. Definitely. And they had like a rock concert at the beginning. People were throwing their hands up. It was craaaaazy."
"Oh my g-d."
"Yeah, so then the preacher gets up and starts talking about how, like, people don't know how to think, they keep making all these bad decisions, so they should let Jesus do the thinking for them."
"Whoa."
"Yeah, exactly."
'That's really scary."
"Yup. And in the hallway, you know how when you're in college they have those little exhibition booths, where if you want to join this club, you go here, and if you want to be in this club, you go there?"
"Yeah."
"They had those! And one of them was like this anti-abortion booth."
"Oh my g-d."
"Yeah, it was REALLY bad."
"I feel sorry for those people."
"Yeah."
"But I still can't believe your mom goes to church."
"My brother keeps saying I should stop telling people about it. He's like, you've gotta stop doing that! But I can't! It's like, SUCH a good story."
"It really is."

The girl changed the subject of conversation to her boyfriend who couldn't commit after 3 years and I tuned out, lost in thought about her perceptions of the church experience.

It was eerie just how much the church she described is like mine, right down to the 'exhibition booths' (and I'm pretty sure there was a pro-life table in our hallway at some point where people could sign a legislative petition). I know how strange that set-up seems to a person who doesn't understand how the modern evangelical movement approaches Christianity. It seems weird, I get it. I don't fault them for not understanding the act of worshiping God with hands lifted high, or for misunderstanding the preacher's explanation of the way God transforms and renews our minds. That's to be expected: as 2 Corinthians 4:4 puts it, the god of this age has blinded people's eyes to the light and hope of the gospel.

No, the truly sad part to me--and I wonder if you feel the same--was the huge disconnect between the girls' perception of the mom and the life the mom was trying to lead. How differently would that conversation have gone if the mother had experienced a changed life after joining that church? I can imagine the daughter saying, "I think it's so creepy that she goes there, but you know what, she's really happy. She's been acting so different since she started talking about God all the time. She stopped fighting with dad, and she's always off volunteering somewhere and helping people out. And remember when she lost her job, she wasn't even worried, she just kept saying God would take care of her or something. I don't know what she's getting out of those weird rock concerts, but it's working for her, I guess."

The saddest thing I can imagine anyone saying about me is: "You went to church with ANGELA? She goes to CHURCH? Whoa." My witness is far from perfect, but I hope that there is something different enough about my approach to life that others would say, "Yeah, doesn't surprise me that she goes to church. It figures that she's a Christian."

Some people eavesdrop on conversations. But there are also people watching our entire lives. The Bible says that we can tell a tree by its fruit, because every living creature produces after its own kind. If we are of the Spirit, then we should produce the fruit of the Spirit. We are a representation of the God we serve, and one day we will stand before Him. How awesome will it be to hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

How do you show yourself as set apart for the Lord without being overbearing or self-righteous? Is there anything you actively do to keep a good witness? How do you respond to people who are baffled by your religion, beliefs, or values? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section.

Looking Expectantly

There are 74 days left until the end of the school year, and to be honest, I'm not in a big hurry to get them over with.

That's pretty typical for me, because I don't like to rush through my life in anticipation of something better. And I really enjoy the springtime with my students: state testing is over, we're doing fun and meaningful projects, I rarely get new kids added to the roster, and my group has bonded and learned to get along so that things flow relatively smoothly.

But this year, there's a slight apprehension that comes with the end of my school year.

You see, my life after June 5th is still undefined. Our wedding plans for the summer are progressing at long last, yet there are still so many unknowns about where we will live after the big day, since my fiancee and I are currently 1,000 miles apart. There are so many doors opening professionally, and yet there is nothing of solidity and certainty, no one development that I can base the next phase of my life upon. Should I return to teaching next fall, or take the leap into writing (or something else) full-time? Will I need to begin a new career in New York? And what about all those discouraging things I hear on the news about jobs and housing?

There are many aspects of my life that are coming to a long-awaited culmination, and that has a tendency to bring moments of anxiety. Most of the time my mind can rest in the peace of knowing that God is in control, but even that knowledge can sometimes set my brain racing. It's exciting to think what God has in store, and I'm always on the lookout for the next part of his plan to be revealed.

Last weekend I attended the ASCD conference, working as a reporter covering the event for the blog In Practice. The night before the conference began, I felt like I should read the Bible, but I was really too tired, so I went to sleep. When I woke up (at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday), I again felt in my spirit that I should read the Bible. Yet I dismissed the feeling, thinking that I needed to get ready quickly and could it read that night. I got dressed and looked down at my Bible on the nightstand, and for the third time, I felt that prompting to read.

"Alright, God, I'll do it--but you know I need to leave in 5 minutes. I'm sorry for procrastinating, but whatever You're going to show me, please give it to me quick!" I knew that reading the psalms would be give me focus and perspective, so I flipped open to the middle of Bible, in Psalm 145. My eye was immediately drawn to the words 'due season', which is a phrase in the scripture I named my publishing company after. I didn't even know that due season was used in the psalms! My eyes scanned through the passage eagerly:

The LORD upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look expectantly to You,
And You give them their food in due season.

You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.

My heart began to sing with joy at this latest confirmation that God was orchestrating everything and meeting my expectations for provision in His perfect timing. This scripture was just one more reminder that He knows the desires of my heart, because He planted them there. The Lord was truly looking down on me at that moment and filling me with a deep sense of purpose and peace and knowing about His promise to fulfill all of my desires: to be with my husband, to have a family, to touch the lives of educators all over the world.

In reading that passage, I saw an image of myself surrounded by hundreds of thousands of living creatures throughout the planet, all of us with our heads upturned to the heavens, like baby birds waiting to be fed. What a beautiful vision, to see myself with eyes fixed expectantly upon the Lord, knowing that He will provide everything in due season. He will open His hand and satisfy my desires. All of our desires.

I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 5:20: For he [humankind] will not dwell unduly on the days of his life, because God keeps him busy with the joys of his heart. And I know my task is to focus on being fruitful with those things that bring joy to my heart: teaching my students, enjoying my family and friends, loving the girls I minister to in jail, and sharing my thoughts and ideas through writing. When I'm focused on those things, I won't 'dwell unduly on the days of my life', because the focus is no longer on my life. It's on Christ. And I know that as always, He will provide everything in due season.

Guest Blog Post: Feeding Your Own Soul

Last fall, I was contacted by Karen Bayliff, who was presenting at the New England Association of Christian Schools Convention and wanted to use some of the resources from The Cornerstone in her workshop. I was thrilled at the prospect of collaboration, and even more blown away by her presentation.

One session was called "I Can't Wait to Get to School" and explained how to prepare your heart, home, and classroom so that you and the students are excited about arriving each morning. This is such an important topic, with special significance for Christian teachers, and I thought you all might enjoy reading some practical information from Karen. One of her suggestions was to take time to feed your own soul, and Karen has graciously expounded on that concept here through a guest blogger devotion. If you enjoy her words, please take a moment to leave a comment on the post (if you've gotten this through your email, just click on the post title and you'll be brought to the site--at the end of the post, you'll see the comment box). Enjoy!

I've been thinking about what I do as an educator every day: Teaching...instructing...spooning out information to the young lives that sit in my classroom. I do this all day long hoping that much of it will "stick".

At night, when I finally have a few moments to myself, I take in as much of the day's news as I can assimilate. I catch radio stories at the top of the hour, the newspaper gets a scan, and anything newsworthy that catches my eye online gets devoured. My head is now full of more information than I could ever possibly use!

Often times, however, it is my soul that gets neglected. Even an obligatory reading of my daily scripture passage often may not get past my head and down into my heart. The early morning hours seem to be a particularly difficult time to thoughtfully study and ponder on the truths of the Word. At that time of day my racing mind is already filling with busy ideas and plans about the next twelve hours, and it doesn't seems to want to slow down for a spiritual feeding.

What about you? The psalmist says "How sweet are thy words unto my taste! Yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth" (Psalms 119:103). Are the wonderful, awesome, sweet truths of the Word able to slowly drip down from your head to your heart and soul? Do they fortify you for the day ahead, or are the precious passages quickly forgotten as you walk out the door? Does your soul's "sugar level" stay above the danger zone, enabling you to get through a long day with the "spiritual insulin" it received in your morning devotions?

Here is an idea that may help you. Continue reading the Bible where you left off the day before. Read slowly...carefully...thoughtfully until you come to a phrase, passage or verse that really speaks to your heart. Stop right there. Allow yourself to be saturated, mind and soul, with that single truth. Then, jot the nugget down on a 3x5 index card. Stick that card on your mirror, prop it on your desk, or put it anywhere that will allow you to "snack" on that truth all day long. Glance at the morsel often and find opportunity to share your "tidbit of the day" with a family member or other believer.

By narrowing your focus, you will truly be able to meditate throughout the busy workday on a specific point of truth. Your spiritual "blood levels" will stay elevated enough to meet any demands that your day may bring your way. Later, as time allows, deeper Bible study will provide the "meat" of a spiritually balanced diet.

Psalm 34:8 tells us to "Taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." Let's not go out our door in the morning until we have "packed a lunch" that will carry our heart and souls through the day ahead!

Karen Bayliff grew up in Connecticut and graduated from Tennessee Temple University. She spent over 30 years raising/homeschooling 4 children and ministering as a pastor's wife, and now teaches 5th grade at Emmanuel Christian Academy in Newington, Connecticut.

If you would like to provide a devotion here as a guest blogger, please email me! I would love to share your ideas.

A big announcement...

Publishing my first book has been quite a learning experience that's resulted in a mixed bag of emotions and outcomes. To say I've been disappointed with the performance of my publisher is an understatement. On the other hand, I've been absolutely thrilled with the sales figures and the reception I've gotten from the education community.

Over the past few months, I've been contemplating my next step. I definitely wanted to continue marketing and promoting The Cornerstone, but not under the Xulon Press label. As I researched my other options, the path I needed to take became clear.

In January, I became the President and CEO of Due Season Press, an independent publishing house based in South Florida. The Cornerstone: Classroom Management That Makes Teaching More Effective, Efficient, and Enjoyable is our first book.

I know, right?

Starting a publishing company was not as difficult as I imagined. It basically involved buying a block of ISBNs and contracting a printer to serve as a manufacturer and distributor for the books. The process of getting Due Season Press up and running has been thrilling and actually quite effortless, in the way that meant-to-be things often are. And now, I can't begin to describe how exciting it is to see my own book with my own publishing logo on it.

Some of you have already gotten wind of the new book, and are asking about the changes. So to clarify, THIS IS *NOT* A SECOND EDITION. The only modifications to the book are the publishing logo, copyright date, and ISBN (book number). The content is exactly the same. (I don't plan to release a second edition with revised and updated content until at least 2011.) So if you purchased the 2008 version, thank you for being an early supporter, and don't worry, you're not missing out on anything new.

Re-publishing right now was necessary, because doing so gives me more creative and practical control over my book. And, quite frankly, it cuts out the middle man when it comes to earning royalties. Most people don't realize how little authors make off the sales of their own books: between $2 and $5 is typical (and my rate was definitely on the low end of that spectrum, with the exception of books I sell through my website). This is a very frustrating reality, especially since I do the vast majority of the marketing and promotion myself. Without an outside company functioning as my publisher, a much greater percentage of profits will go to the person who actually wrote the book. This is (apparently) a revolutionary way of thinking in the publishing world.

The July 2008 book is in the process of being removed from bookstore inventories, and the May 2009 book is on it's way in. Amazon and Barnes and Noble have special rights to begin carrying and selling the book prior to the official publication date (which is more or less a formality), and the book is already available in both places.

So, thanks to all of you for supporting me through your prayers, comments, emails, word-of-mouth, and book sales. This is an amazing step forward, which I wouldn't be taking if you hadn't believed in what I'm doing and encouraged me along. The Cornerstone has always been about a community of teachers sharing ideas and supporting one another, and now Due Season Press is, too.

I'll leave you with the inspiration for the publishing company's name. "Due Season Press" came to me the moment I realized I wanted to found my own company. It's based on the scripture that encouraged me throughout all of the setbacks and disappointments that came with the initial publication experience...and it's one that I've found to be inspirational in my teaching life, too.

And let us not grow weary while doing good,
for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
(Galations 6:9, NKJV)